WHY DID YOU HAVE TO CHANGE MY NAME TO ZERO!? I'm a big nothing, a big, empty nothing! All I wanted was to be was a healthier alternative; you know how people are trying to watch their waistlines nowadays, but no! I wanted what was best for the public. All I wanted was some affection and respect from you!

Meanwhile Sprite, who could care less if all his drinkers DIED, gets all the energy, all the attention, all the hoopla! A big flashy label; shiny and so inviting, wrapped around a gorgeous green hue, which when combined with the label, practically screams “I’m yours!”

What do you, my “parents”, give me? What do you, my “thoughtful” progenitors, give me for wanting to see people’s constitution and well-being be somewhat improved, Phenylketonurics aside? A clear bottle. A CLEAR bottle!

A see through “thing”; disgusting really, with dimples, not unlike my caloric laden evil brother, but with the absence of color, makes me look sickly. Why a clear bottle? I am not water! Even Seltzer now mocks me, for he can be mixed with alcohol. He has a purpose. I however, must be endured alone.

And that is how I stand. Alone. Other sodas will no longer be seen with me; my former best friend Ginger Ale now cavorts the world with Diet Dr. Pepper, and the Fanta’s give me looks that should only be reserved for White Rose!

I hate you. You have made me this way. I hate you and curse you for what you have done to me, and I hope one day I wake up and find out that this was just a horrible dream, and that my parents are Pepsi!






Parent company Coca Cola could not be reached for comment…