You ever see a girl with an ass so big that you wonder how she’s walking upright? Like there’s no way her body can support it; how does she defy gravity? Ladies and gentlemen, my new favorite porn star, the girl with the strongest spine in the world, I give you…Naomi!

Damn, girl! And she has a lisp! Normally when I meet someone with a lisp I want to shake them; like somehow it will go away. Just shake them while insulting their parents, “this is fixable, what kind of animals raised you?!” But hey, gargantuan phat dumper aside, her lisp is why she’s popular, because it’s so awful it immediately takes the tension out of any sexual experience you might have with her. It’s her flaw.

How can you NOT get a rod when you hear stuff like this: “You likth my ath? I want your cockth in my ath! Fucth my hot hath! Ith lovth yourth hotth in my tighth asthth ththththttht!” I’m laughing and masturbating right now, it’s ridiculous! Watch her, enjoy her, and love her. You’re welcome.

But I worry about slippery slopes, and I’m not talking about those sneaky Koreans, I’m talking about other “imperfections.” Where does the flaw train stop? Unlike weed, there IS such a thing as gateway porn and it scares me, cause you’re gonna get tired of the lisp. Heard it! So what’s next? Deaf girls, blind girls, girls in wheel chairs? Scratch that last one, it already exists, I found this today. www.wheelchair-sex.com



Nice.

Okay, girls in wheelchairs, how you gonna top that?

Retards.

Fucking retards, yo! I’m hoping the porn industry goes this way. Once I see a rubberhead gagging on Lexington Steele’s gift from our lord and savior, I will have hit my bottom and I can move on from my porn and sex addiction once and for all, and focus on the more important things, like track jackets and bowling. Replace something with something, that’s what my mom used to say, before she left my dad for a verbally abusive illegal. But hey, life hands you lemons, you make sangria.