Ah, the holidays, a time to count your blessings, be one with with your fellow human beings, and as they stab you in the back, be thankful that they cleaned the shank beforehand. Achtung! People and money, "business school", and plain old awful organization.

I'm featuring at a university last week, two days before Thanksgiving, at a charity gig. The headliner and I get there right at show time; its in an auditorium that easily holds 350 people; there's maybe 70. The show "booker" decides to start the show a half hour later. The audience size doesnt change.

Since its a charity show, the headliner is generous enough to take a pay cut in his contract; about half. Trust me, I've seen the checks; more than generous. I have to think about those checks and write more jokes. My set goes really well. I get the same response as the headliner. Bueno. I'm supposed to do 30, but since they started a half hour late we decide I should do 20, that way theyre not tired. Headliner does his thing; i'm noticing he's going long. This is why.

We end the show; people coming up to us for pics and stuff, telling us how funny we were, how they enjoyed it. Headliner asks who has the check for him; the guy is noticably absent. When he finally shows, he's evasive. Then he says to the headliner, "can I talk to you for a minute?"

Which turns into the show "booker" asking the headliner to work for free, they made errors in the expenses for the show, they didnt realize the week of thanksgiving it wouldnt sell out; even tries to throw in the "you guys were late" excuse, which we werent. Which is why the headliner went long as well; he'd gotten the "vibe" from the guy earlier that something was up, so he made sure he went overtime so it wouldnt be used as an excuse against him. The guy eventually paid while bitching and moaning; at one point, he made a subte grab for the check; I know I saw it! And the fact that there is a contract already signed by both parties makes this whole scene extra ridiculous.

I've always heard about these nightmare scenarios where people don't want to pay you, but theyre always from dirtbag clubs; you don't expect it from a university. Also, this has hasn't happened to me yet with paid gigs, I wonder how I would react in that situation. I'm small, I can't intimidate anyone; "Excuse me, man with a distended stomach demands his payment!" This is why people have big, evil looking guys in the posse; because of someone else's greed.

But I learned some things. Always do the exact amount of time they pay you for. Stick up more for myself. And do some push-ups.