rayrivera_blog

State of the Quad Muscles...

rayrivera_blog — Wed, 24 Jan 2007 05:18:00 +0000

State of The Union address tonight kids! Watch a bunch of old dudes work their legs tonight, as they give standing ovations for everything that slips out of our fearless leader's mouth. How many times will they rise? I'll make the over/under 20. I'm taking the over... I'm gonna catch up on Lost, because I want to watch something more believable...

First shitty decisions for 2007

rayrivera_blog — Thu, 11 Jan 2007 22:04:00 +0000

Both extended this year: both lost causes...

In 2006, dying having the best year ever!

rayrivera_blog — Thu, 28 Dec 2006 11:25:00 +0000

The Next celebrity trend revealed! With the death of President Ford, 2006 is THE YEAR TO DIE! Dying now replaces carrying tiny dogs and not wearing underwear in public as THE thing to do this year. There’s not much time left. Come on C Listers! Be ahead of the pack for a change. Paris…what are you waiting for? Even the Hoff is in on it…rumor has it that he has injected himself with Aids and Cancer so he can keel on New Years Eve!

Of course one-upmanship is de rigueur in Hollywood; no one wants to get left behind, so someone’s going to have to up the ante. Ashley, have I got an idea for you…Assassinations! Everyone is dying in 2006, it’s hack already. Dying of natural causes? Boring! Been there, died that. But taking out a contract on your life? That’s vision. No one is more famous than someone felled by an assassin’s bullet. K Fed, step up to the plate! If you need my help, I can get a collection going, and I can guarantee at least another 12,000 in record sales the day after your whacking…give Preston a chance!

I like red wine...

rayrivera_blog — Sat, 16 Dec 2006 07:43:00 +0000

Any Jews, Muslims, Atheists, Buddhists, or just plain lonely and sexually frustrated people let me know what your plans are for the 24th, and 25th. Aside from seeing my mother for a few hours on xmas day, I got nothing to do...

Trump decides not to fire Tara Conner saying, “She looks like every girl I've ever had sex with”

rayrivera_blog — Thu, 21 Dec 2006 10:44:00 +0000

Donald Trump chooses not to fire Miss USA Tara Conner amid reports she has visited bars, though she is not yet 21. “I’ve always been a believer in second chances. Tara is a good person, and hey, she’s perfectly my type. You KNOW I’m gonna be hitting it in a few years” Trump said in a news conference Tuesday.

As part of staying on as Miss USA, Conner has agreed to enter rehab, saying, “I didn’t know there was rehab for sluts, but hey, that’s what’s great about America, they make up rehab for anything.”

Trump said, “Until this morning, I didn’t know which way it was going to go.” But upon meeting her in his office, he said that he saw her “good heart” and that she “got caught up in the whirlwind that all know as New York. And hey, she looks like Marla Maples; no way am I getting rid of this piece of A.”

In reference to Tamiko Nash, who was expected to take over as Miss America, Trump tried to put some levity into the press conference by changing his trademark phrase from the hit television show The Apprentice; “Tamiko, you’re not hired! Heh heh, sorry babe; I had to go there.”

Tamiko Nash held her own press conference in response to the Donald’s decision, at one point losing her cool, angrily stating “whose dick do I have to suck to get some goddamn attention around here!”

Ms. Nash has plans to release her own adult video with Red Light District.

Holiday (almost no) Money

rayrivera_blog — Thu, 30 Nov 2006 07:59:00 +0000

Ah, the holidays, a time to count your blessings, be one with with your fellow human beings, and as they stab you in the back, be thankful that they cleaned the shank beforehand. Achtung! People and money, "business school", and plain old awful organization.

I'm featuring at a university last week, two days before Thanksgiving, at a charity gig. The headliner and I get there right at show time; its in an auditorium that easily holds 350 people; there's maybe 70. The show "booker" decides to start the show a half hour later. The audience size doesnt change.

Since its a charity show, the headliner is generous enough to take a pay cut in his contract; about half. Trust me, I've seen the checks; more than generous. I have to think about those checks and write more jokes. My set goes really well. I get the same response as the headliner. Bueno. I'm supposed to do 30, but since they started a half hour late we decide I should do 20, that way theyre not tired. Headliner does his thing; i'm noticing he's going long. This is why.

We end the show; people coming up to us for pics and stuff, telling us how funny we were, how they enjoyed it. Headliner asks who has the check for him; the guy is noticably absent. When he finally shows, he's evasive. Then he says to the headliner, "can I talk to you for a minute?"

Which turns into the show "booker" asking the headliner to work for free, they made errors in the expenses for the show, they didnt realize the week of thanksgiving it wouldnt sell out; even tries to throw in the "you guys were late" excuse, which we werent. Which is why the headliner went long as well; he'd gotten the "vibe" from the guy earlier that something was up, so he made sure he went overtime so it wouldnt be used as an excuse against him. The guy eventually paid while bitching and moaning; at one point, he made a subte grab for the check; I know I saw it! And the fact that there is a contract already signed by both parties makes this whole scene extra ridiculous.

I've always heard about these nightmare scenarios where people don't want to pay you, but theyre always from dirtbag clubs; you don't expect it from a university. Also, this has hasn't happened to me yet with paid gigs, I wonder how I would react in that situation. I'm small, I can't intimidate anyone; "Excuse me, man with a distended stomach demands his payment!" This is why people have big, evil looking guys in the posse; because of someone else's greed.

But I learned some things. Always do the exact amount of time they pay you for. Stick up more for myself. And do some push-ups.

Low expectation toys...

rayrivera_blog — Tue, 24 Oct 2006 01:39:00 +0000

For ages 3 years old and up. Great for tots with low self esteem and delusions of grandeur! Bring the show on the road! Now kids can take Star Station sing-along fun wherever they go with this real working portable microphone that makes kids the stars! Foster those dreams of money and fame that will absolutely never happen!
Includes one cartridge with these hit songs:
1. Back that azz up
2. You gotta lick it, before we kick it
3. Purple People Eater.
Just pop in the cartridge and get ready for a show performed by your favorite little entertainer. They’re sure to be a star anywhere they go! Optional Jon Benet Ramsey-esque stage mom sold separately.

Disco microphone is your spotlight and adjustable microphone in one. Foot pedals and buttons activate laughter and clap effects; rotating disco ball illuminates with on/off switch. Ten tabs of ecstasy included! Makes anonymous sex in the club bathroom easier! Mothers, relive the disco era with your children, when oral sex got you into Studio 54! Microphone adjusts from 24" to 45" high and has volume control. Requires not much talent, inherited fortune a plus.

Does your “precocious” nightmare think he’s funny? All the world's a stage with this electronic microphone, complete with foot pedals for applause, cheers and three drum effects. Comes with audio plug-in, so you can steal your favorite hacks material; control volume with the turn of a knob. Let the negativity out, and never get the respect you deserve! Stand adjusts from 25"-43 1/2" to grow along with talent throughout the years, from handing out flyers for hours only to get bumped from a show, to that spectacular moment when you overdose right on stage! Bottle of Jack Daniels and speed balls sold separately.

Inner Monologue Part 5 Of Infinity

rayrivera_blog — Wed, 18 Oct 2006 00:48:00 +0000

Karin, why don’t you just quit already?! You fucking junkie; you give strippers a bad name! Making a scene in the club over an 8 dollar food order that had some pork in it! YOU REMIND ME OF THE FAILURES IN MY LIFE!! Being all ghetto at three in the afternoon, yelling on your pay as you go cell phone, “yo dis soup ha pork innt yo, I wan my money back aight!! I aint no swine eater!!”

Is that because you don’t eat you own kind? I really don’t know why you were hired…you make no money for the place, and you traipse around with your cellulite just bulging out of your dress, with your god dammed gorilla face. And it’s always the same dress, a green colored disaster, with stains on it! Green suits you, because when they film monsters in movies, that’s the color lighting they use. And you’re a heavy cocaine user, how come you’re still so fat? You spend half the day taking massive diarrhea dumps and the other half wiping off your nose, but you’re still a penis shrinking mess.

The worst of it is that you’re a mother, a mother that doesn’t provide a roof over her head for her child. Hey bitch, SAVE UP SOME DAMM MONEY! I feel terrible for your kid; because you’re gonna raise him as stupid and ignorant as you. You feel so good that you recently bought an air mattress…how about a deposit for an apartment? And you keep taking that air mattress to different peoples places, until you wear out your welcome and they kick you out, cause you’re a no tact having, know it all, obnoxious bitch. I’m gonna find that air mattress and pop some holes in it, but I won’t have to, it can only take that garganto ass for so long.

Thing's I'm done with

rayrivera_blog — Tue, 10 Oct 2006 21:03:00 +0000

I’m fucking done! DONE! You, list of ten, have pushed me over the edge for this fine day, but fear not, you will soon be replaced as something equally asinine awakens my rage…

1.Girls under 25 – ugh, be gone with your flakiness, your indecisiveness, your being a lesbian for a day, be gone! I’m going with a 35 year old that keeps her plans and knows I’m her only option…

2.Transferring from the fucking two tracks only “L” train to the “M” – the only train in the NYC system that has only two tracks, all other lines have at least three. ANYTHING happens on the “L”, you are screwed. If the terrorists want to hit us again, the “L” train, by all means, go ahead. You’re welcome.

3.People who Blog more than twice a day – blogging is okay of course, but more than twice a day?! How many times do I have to hear about you not meeting someone new, and how no one “gets” you? We “get” it, you’re boring…

4.Compulsive liars who don’t keep their lies straight – come on bitch, how you gonna tell me one day you are studying psychology, then the next day tell me you are studying to be a dog groomer? Just keep stripping and take my singles…

5.My father – where do we begin on this one, its called conversation dad…

6.Alex Rodriguez – it’s not Torre’s fault; but if we’re gonna scapegoat, blame it on this stat hungry underachiever; stop worrying about numbers, and get on base, its trade time…

7.Avril Lavigne and her saliva – hey stop trying to act rock and roll, spitting at the press and insulting your fans; you auditioned for your record label in a fucking dress! Not rock at all; act like a woman, I might fuck you…

8.Closeted gay republicans – this is the tip of the gay iceberg in our government. Enjoy being gay, don’t hide it; fuck the page in the oval office for all I care. Hey Foley; there’s NO such thing as family values! Enjoy cock!

9.Koreans with inferiority complexes trying to prove something to the world – yes, you should have nuclear power, but stop testing shit without the world’s approval; you’re gonna make our dumb president spread the military even more thin, if I get drafted, I hold you responsible…

10.Having to go back to work full time to get out of debt – dammit me and my Master Card…I’m this close to blowing guys for cash because I HAD to have that new IPOD, AND 2 (two?) laptops…I need a sugar mama; come on older women out there, contact and mother me!

Internet tough guys!

rayrivera_blog — Wed, 04 Oct 2006 07:51:00 +0000

So maybe my career is finally on track. You know why? Hate mail. Yes, for too long people have been “middle of the road” about me, now whole legions of people the world over hate my guts, for my little short film, “9/11 Conspiracy Wars”, I LOVE IT! The sad thing is these guys are such cowards that they send email on addresses that I cannot reply to! Every reply got bounced back to me, which means they went through the trouble of getting pissed at my film, making an email account, then emailing me and deleting the account! Truly internet tough! Here are some emails I received, complete with responses: hopefully they will see these.

Ace_6@yahoo.com
Ha-ha you are pathetic, just give up already. Disinformation.

“Ha, you tin hats are SO mad over this little movie, it tickles me…die!!”

youre@crap.com
Fuck off, who the fuck are you, wanker

“Yes I wank a lot, it IS a problem, but I get these pornos from this cool little Chinaman for 4 bucks, how can I resist? And by the way, fuck YOU! Tell your whore of a mother to stop having kids; she already squirted out the waste of food that is you…”

yourvideo@yahoo.com
But your father raped you in the ass?…what a shame

“Are you asking me or telling me? Okay, I don’t know how you found out, but yes, he did rape me, he raped me while I fucked your cunt of a mother…I came in her ass so she won’t pop out another retard…”

And this gem from fuckyou@ass.com, each one of these was sent individually…

You fag…
You fag…
You fag…
You fag…
You fag…

Repeat 30 more times.

And my response, “Bring your ass over here any time, so I can fuck it, remember in the Hispanic community, it’s not gay if you’re pitching…”

But yet there is hope, no long after I get the awful emails above, I get this one:

Blazemonger950@hotmail.com
I loved your video making fun of conspiracy theorists, not only that, you’re a bit cute J

I’m still contemplating my response, send me a pic…

Well, tell your friends about my movie, and if you hate me, shoot me an email, I need the web traffic…

9/11 Conspiracy Wars!

rayrivera_blog — Sun, 10 Sep 2006 11:39:00 +0000

It's here! The new short film I directed and edited over the summer, about some Abby Scott and some other buddies of mine fighting with conspiracy theorists at ground zero. See a guy who believes that NO planes hit the towers! See tourists and firefighters yell at them! See wacky music that sticks in your head! All right HERE!

(sorry about shoddy video quality; if i used the original, the file would never stream right; i'm not exactly Speilberg, I don't have pro equipment)

9/11 is coming, what are you doing?

rayrivera_blog — Thu, 31 Aug 2006 17:00:00 +0000

Fucking with people! Well, conspiracy theorists anyways. I've been working on a short film that I shot with my no longer dating pal Abby Scott; we went down to ground zero over the summer and messed with some 9/11 "truthers". They are hilarious, funnier than Holocaust deniers, and very lonely; I'd fit right in with them if they didn't think I was a Mossad agent (actually happened). We are still working on the editing, which is great, there's just so much nonsense to sit through, these guys just can't get enough of the camera! I'll keep you posted.

When are you quitting?

rayrivera_blog — Tue, 15 Aug 2006 00:46:00 +0000

When do you give up on a dream? Some of you reading this have goals, how much time do you give them? I’ve been trying to get this comedy thing going for a few years now, and have gotten some nice things, but haven’t worked as hard as I could, and have let some things pass me by.

I bring this up because an opportunity presented itself to me in the form of a strip club dj gig out in Las Vegas. I’ve done it for years here in NY. A fellow dj of mine went there recently, told me of the opportunities; he met one guy who makes 400,000 a year. Not a typo. In cash.

Everything I've ever wanted to achieve in life instantly presented itself to me when I thought of that possibility; every ridiculous fantasy I had about having money and what I would do with it, the fact that it is actually attainable, made me stop and think.

I don’t expect to be making 400,000, but I know I can make at least 50 to 60 grand a year, plus the standard of living out there is about half of NYC. People rent whole houses for 800 a month. I could be set for life out there.

They are also starving for talented DJ’s. At one club, they were training the bar back to dj, because they couldn’t find anybody. Me coming from New York, I would kick ass, I’m that good. Yes, I’m bragging. Plus I would totally focus on it, do any shift I have to, and work it, and eventually rake in the huge cash. I don’t do that here, because I concentrate on stand up.

I never wanted to be a 70 year old DJ, can you imagine, struggling to keep my dentures in, “now coming to the stage, Kiki, these young whippersnappers have so much energy nowadays…”, I’ll probably be the first DJ in a strip club to die of old age, but making 6 figures a year, in cash, I don’t care.

I love comedy, and I was this close to quitting. Then the next day I wrote some great jokes and had a few kick ass sets, so I’m gonna give it some time. Comedy is too strong a drug to give up right now. I think I’m gonna give comedy another 6 years, cause in a weird retarded sort of way, I actually have something to fall back on; Vegas baby! But not now, and hopefully not ever. But hey, not too bad an alternative.

Home be gone!

rayrivera_blog — Fri, 11 Aug 2006 19:26:00 +0000

You shouldn’t live in a house if you don’t have to. I’m this close to moving out of my apartment. And with the mini blackout that’s affected Queens, it’s made me realize how little I truly need an apartment. I just need a place to crash.

There should be blackouts every once and awhile. It focuses you. I’m so not thinking about Suri Cruise right now. I’m totally in the moment, thinking about the small list of people who would let me crash at their respective homes, and most of them are fellow comedians; they are practically homeless themselves.

I can stay at Starbucks forever. Open 24 hours.

I can practically live in there when the going gets tough. The rent: a Grande Mocha latte. Best deal in the city. Prime muthafukkin real estate. A lot of annoying wannabes to deal with, but no worse than jerk off roommates who are disgusting pigs. Here’s my new pad.

I got everything I need on my laptop. News, porn, movies, music, porn, comedy, porn. All here on my machine. I can still watch Lost (thank you ITunes). What else do I need? Oh yeah, a gym membership to shower and masturbate. I’m gonna get in shape! Homelessness is nature’s way! You eat healthier, because fruits and veggies are less expensive, and you stay in shape moving around. Seriously, bums are in great shape, save the tuberculosis.

What’s the downside? None! Who cares about sleeping in my car? I sleep on a fucking futon, the worst fucking invention ever; stupid Japanese with their dumb crap, here is some other useless Japanese stuff:

Subway chin strap

Why does Japanese stuff involve pain and humiliation?

Check this one out, good for those late night bukkake sessions:

Stick to the computers guys!

Anyway, my beetle is paradise compared to a fucking futon, do you know how embarrassing it is to bring a girl over, and then have to pull out a mattress? What a douche. Without my dumb apartment, I will be saving 925 bucks a month. Ha, NOW you agree with me. Hypocrites. See, if a girl fancies me for the night, I can afford a nice hotel in the city. See, the ladies are already lining up! You thought it was inconvenient and sad for me not having a pad, now you’re thinking a night at the Waldorf may not be such a bad idea.

Flaws of Hope?

rayrivera_blog — Thu, 03 Aug 2006 10:24:00 +0000

You ever see a girl with an ass so big that you wonder how she’s walking upright? Like there’s no way her body can support it; how does she defy gravity? Ladies and gentlemen, my new favorite porn star, the girl with the strongest spine in the world, I give you…Naomi!

Damn, girl! And she has a lisp! Normally when I meet someone with a lisp I want to shake them; like somehow it will go away. Just shake them while insulting their parents, “this is fixable, what kind of animals raised you?!” But hey, gargantuan phat dumper aside, her lisp is why she’s popular, because it’s so awful it immediately takes the tension out of any sexual experience you might have with her. It’s her flaw.

How can you NOT get a rod when you hear stuff like this: “You likth my ath? I want your cockth in my ath! Fucth my hot hath! Ith lovth yourth hotth in my tighth asthth ththththttht!” I’m laughing and masturbating right now, it’s ridiculous! Watch her, enjoy her, and love her. You’re welcome.

But I worry about slippery slopes, and I’m not talking about those sneaky Koreans, I’m talking about other “imperfections.” Where does the flaw train stop? Unlike weed, there IS such a thing as gateway porn and it scares me, cause you’re gonna get tired of the lisp. Heard it! So what’s next? Deaf girls, blind girls, girls in wheel chairs? Scratch that last one, it already exists, I found this today. www.wheelchair-sex.com

Nice.

Okay, girls in wheelchairs, how you gonna top that?

Retards.

Fucking retards, yo! I’m hoping the porn industry goes this way. Once I see a rubberhead gagging on Lexington Steele’s gift from our lord and savior, I will have hit my bottom and I can move on from my porn and sex addiction once and for all, and focus on the more important things, like track jackets and bowling. Replace something with something, that’s what my mom used to say, before she left my dad for a verbally abusive illegal. But hey, life hands you lemons, you make sangria.

Stalkee of the Month: Ann Coulter

rayrivera_blog — Fri, 28 Jul 2006 10:25:00 +0000

I worship you this July. If you noticed, I haven’t stalked anyone in a while. It’s not because I’ve been a good boy; it’s just that no one has inspired me the way you do. You sexy republican hussy! Ann, I’m a registered Republican. We already have so much in common; we are meant to be one. I need you, and you need me.

I LOVED how you called for the execution of the editor of the NY times. Everybody wants someone dead; you just have the courage to admit it. What honesty! Fantastic! I am loyal to you beyond measure. I will kill Democrats and place their lifeless corpses on the shrine of Coulter if you wish it done, for I am your disciple.

And you shoot guns!

There's something about a woman with a gun. You make me want to strap on an M-16 and head to a Blue state high school. We can do it together! Let's turn those states Red! When your clip is empty, I’ll be right there, by your side, like it should be. I so want to party in your conservative ass! It WILL be so!

Some people say that you are not attractive, and those people are tree hugging hippies who wouldn’t know pure elegance if it hit them in their no death penalty, redundant diplomacy, throw a stupid yellow ribbon on a minivan, spending money like it's going out of style faces! They can’t handle a real woman who speaks her mind, and the only "ammo" they have to try to discredit you is to make fun of you in photos.

You possess a voluptous neck, therefore you must be a man. Ignore this petty nonsense! You know something, here's another lady with "something extra"...

...and I'd do her too! That's right Ann. Unsheath what you harbor in your nether regions and fuck me like the fake Republican I am! I mentioned earlier that I am a registered Republican. But I have to tell you this: I did not vote for Bush! There, I said it. I feel so ashamed. Punish me! Whip out that studly member and make me pay! I am yours, you are mine, you are what you are, and for the next thirty days, no one else shall have my heart.

Just Listen...

rayrivera_blog — Sat, 22 Jul 2006 00:44:00 +0000

Hip hop is dead, but does it matter?

Has music ever really been “alive” to begin with? Should music have relevance beyond your listening enjoyment? Definitely not. Why do we put that pressure, that force for societal change, on music? On songs? Maybe it’s due to music’s universal appeal, the fact that music is something everybody can understand, even if it’s in a foreign language. It’s Primal. You understand it. Except for Cowboy Troy; I have no idea what the fuck he is talking about. Nigga please!

Music should just be enjoyed for what it is, because when you pin your hopes for future change on 3 6 Mafia, you can’t expect much. The songs that seem so relevant never age well either. Remember how REVOLUTIONARY Nirvana’s “Smells like Teen Spirit” sounded when it came out? Now, it just sounds CUTE. Adorable. Ha ha ha, Kurt, what a dildo; you killed yourself over THAT?

I’m writing about this because I overheard these two homies talking about hip hop. Rather, I overheard two white octogenarians talking about hip hop. I go to see An Inconvenient Truth last weekend. It’s on Houston Street, down the block there’s a famous hip hop clothing store. These GEEZERS checking out the window display. I mean, one-and-a-half feet in the grave. The one lady who looks 89 is telling the guy who looks 99 how she went to Jay-Z’s club. Press your finger to your nose, point it up the sky, and say the following in the snootiest voice possible: “I went to Jay Z’s club 40-40 last week, it was truly fabulous. Do you know of Jay-Z?” The grandpa was totally oblivious, and in some kind of reverse South Park joke (go rent the movie, don’t make me explain), goes, “jazz, no I don’t listen to jazz.” Hilarious.

If you’re a reader that thinks rap has sold out, you would have a lot of ammunition for your argument. But why should it matter? There are so many other things to talk about, and people take things so seriously. When I saw the two dead people talking about hip hop, it annoyed me. Why should it? People listen to what they want to. Why give rap music anymore credit than any other dumb music out there by claiming it has something of social importance for a particular generation? Who gives a shit?

So next time you see an old bag chillin', listening to some Nas, give her a look of recognition, compliment her on her dope music tastes, then rob her of her ipod and cash. Believe me it won’t take much to take one down; old ladies drop to the floor like wet leather. She listens to rap; let her get the whole experience.

“Aren’t you the guy…?”

rayrivera_blog — Sat, 15 Jul 2006 04:39:00 +0000

I love being mistaken for a celebrity. I get that all the time. The trouble is I don’t look like anybody REALLY famous, just some D-List shit bags that they barely remember; “You, you look so vague…” Anyone they confuse me for is definitely not someone famous enough for me to get free shit.

People say I look like the guy from New York Undercover. Who? Exfuckingactly. I look like somebody, and it has to be this fucking guy:

Yuck! I didn’t realize I look like a Latin drag version of Liza Minnelli.

The only thing my picture is missing is David Guest’s cock in my face.

If you ever get a mistaken for somebody else, run with it. You probably don’t like the person people say you resemble. Why would you? It kind of disqualifies your own existence. Let’s say you look like Osama Bin Laden. Now anything good you do in life gets negated because you look like America’s greatest enemy. You can’t teach in school, you’d scare the shit out of the students…kids walking into class on the first day, “holy shit! It’s Bin Laden!!” So take the credit, and expand on it. If somebody says you look like someone that is dead or in jail, say you’re related. “Yeah, Jeffrey Dahmer, he was my cousin, we used to kill squirrels together.” Then stare at them with unblinking eyes and touch yourself inappropriately.

It happened to me recently in front of a comedy club. They thought a zero like me was somebody; I even took a picture with them! At least people can tell I’m a comedian; I guess you can see the desperation, anger, and overall pall of loser on my face. It started getting weird when I tried to suggest after show activities. “So what you guys doing later, just saying, this is New York, the big apple, we can have some fun, take a bite out of your Midwest apple, if you know what I mean.” I then nudged the guy. They then ran for a cab.

Comments, anyone

rayrivera_blog — Sat, 08 Jul 2006 23:43:00 +0000

My blog is blowin up yo! I finally talked to the guy who designed my site, and we added a comments section now, so come on, you 5 faithful readers of my Latin balderdash, drop me a line, and say you knew me before I was rich! And when I don't become rich, leave a comment about that!

Soccer Future?

rayrivera_blog — Sun, 25 Jun 2006 06:06:00 +0000

In another example of America not keeping pace with the world, the American team is eliminated from the World Cup in the first round, only scoring one goal in three games. The only reason the US wasn’t eliminated outright is because Italy scored a goal against their own goal keeper, following their WW1 and WW2 pattern of “be on one side, and then switch to the other.” The only cup the American team gets to hoist over their heads is a styrofoam cup full of ass kicked juice. Yummy; kind of salty. The American team is beyond sucking, when they return home they should be forced to stand in a line, and have Ronaldo penalty kick them in the nuts.

And give it up to the power of television, I’m into soccer now. I was always somewhat annoyed with the game, and wanted to make it more interesting. Make the field half as large. Use a ball with spikes. On the field: land mines. Why not, these crappy third world countries play on minefields anyway. And why play a sport that ignores evolution? We have hands, use them. If you’re not going to use hands, then make it harder. Only body parts that can touch the ball: elbows and kneecaps. Fuck it, take that logic to its extreme, let’s slither around on the floor like the first fish ever to leave the water, you can touch the ball only with your tongue, first team that scores get to kill an opposing team member. Yeah!

But I got into soccer and now I wonder why the sport is not more popular here in America. I figured it out. Maybe we need our soccer players to be more dumb and criminal minded like in football and basketball. See, soccer fans are the most violent fans in the world, but here our players are the most violent; it’s the only way we pay attention. Will an American soccer player PLEASE fly to Colorado and rape somebody? Or how about orchestrating a drive-by shooting on a girl friend? Please? Do it for me; I don’t have ESPN, if we get a soccer version of OJ, then I won't be forced to watch soccer on the awful Spanish channel.

And finally, some dummies think soccer is gay. It’s not. Two words: David Beckham. Yes he’s dreamy. But even better; he fucks Posh spice every night. Hard.

Or how about the Brazilian team: best in the world, not the most attractive. Prehistoric. They should be hanging from buildings, swatting at biplanes. But this is why soccer rules. Ronaldinho is the best soccer player in the world, referred to as “the next Pele”, by Pele himself. This is what he looks like:

These are the kind of girls he gets:

Does anybody want to start a local soccer game with me? Bundas are waiting...

One Track Mind

rayrivera_blog — Fri, 07 Jul 2006 08:24:00 +0000

Is this my faggy version of a midlife crisis? Is it the World Cup? Is it my distended belly on my small frame? Why am I fixated on this? What do most males do when they get older? Buy a car, a gun maybe? Something manly. Not me.

I wanna buy a track jacket. I’m totally insane right now about track jackets. I want them in all colors, all different styles. I want one from Addidas, Puma, and Nike. I want different color track jackets from the different teams of the World Cup. I like colors. I would totally Queer Eye it out, and make sure my track jackets perfectly match my clothes. I would then suck a big fat dick.

I SO want to buy a track jacket from Brazil, with the Brazil logo with the awful green and yellow colors, and the correct spelling of “Brasil” right across the back. Or Portugal. Portugal yo, their uniforms are burgundy (!), that’s one of my favorite colors; I gotta buy something in burgundy.

Of course I have no intentions of actually speaking to a real Brazilian or Portuguese person. Who’d want that? The Brazil flag has words on it; hahaha lol rofl lmao; it’s ridiculous. Is that their version of “don’t tread on me”? It looks like something out of the Star Wars cantina. Only pirates, rebels, and aliens should have words on their flags.

Well I can only pay hookers for so long, so some communication with these mystery Latinas is needed. But I’m realizing I want a foreign woman without the terrible stereotypes or negative traits of their home countries. I only want the good stuff. Lovely ladies of Brazil, don’t tell me about your ghettos, your poverty, and your huge aids problem. Just tell me about bundas (do you have a juicy one), beaches (do you tan it), soccer (do you show it off at games) and Jiu-jitsu (do I have to learn it to get your bunda). How can I even hear about aids when I got big butt cheeks in my face anyway?

I want to date girls with curves that will hurt you, and I LOVE accents, but yet I want them to understand everything I’m saying. How can I? English is like their 4th language. Accents and my references never mix. “Did you know that the Led Zeppelin album ‘Presence’ was recorded when Robert Plant was in a wheelchair, it is a time when they were stripped of their dynamism, yet they still manage to pull it off? Renata are you listening to me?”

I wish these girls would just learn English! I could say I’m a progressive Latino and make an argument about assimilation, but it is a complete lie, because at the end of the day, I’m just having a hard time learning Portuguese. But I do have track jackets, and through those, I will dream my dream.

Pomegranate Blues

rayrivera_blog — Mon, 03 Jul 2006 21:40:00 +0000

I’m in a Starbucks, I’ve just plugged in my laptop, and I’m ready to dream. Grooving to music I’ll never listen to at home, drinking something that is juice and sparkling water. It’s pomegranate, but it taste slightly alcoholic. In a bad way. My computer’s taking a while to load, and I’m embarrassed by my screensaver. I’m not ready for the big time, and this is why. My being afraid of my wallpaper shows what I need to work on in my life. She is NOT even naked; there’s no way I should be afraid to show a picture of a beautiful young woman with tattoos. Had some ideas while the computer was loading; some real dazzling ways to write these head dreams, but they evaporate faster than any liquid known to man, just little vapor trails of brilliance. I lost them.

Someone asks for the chair next to me; the one upon which my bag rests, and although I give it to her, I hate her, even though it was just my bag. There’s a beautiful girl outside, and I have realized too late that she is one year away from being able to accept my creepy stares. By the time I make it she’ll be old enough…I’m getting used to the pomegranate.

I wanna make this a habit; coming here and placing these thoughts to the page. I’m realizing I have aspirations to write a book. Rather, I have thoughts about being a famous novelist and being interviewed by Larry King; I'm wearing a beret and a burgandy velvet sport jacket, with a Groucho Marx style moustache. He asks me many questions; I always interrupt him, but he defers to my intelligence. He realizes what I have to say is grand indeed. Of course I have not written a page. There are so many stories to tell; I don’t know where to start, so I’ll start here. Right now here is empty. But here is better than nowhere, even if here is more nowhere than there.

People are asking to use my computer at the Starbucks, how rude can you get? It’s really an invasion of my personal space. This is Starbucks, the ultimate in capitalism; muthafuckas making coin selling coffee! Nowhere is the American dream more realized. Yet every loser actor and deadbeat uses this place like a commune. My computer is an extension of my distorted mind, you can’t use it! You know what, I will let you use it, let me just let open up my video file, the one conspicuously named “porn!” “Sure you can use it; I was just watching this girl from Germany sucking a pony. This movie is special to me.”

Fuck all the bums, wanna be Wesley Snipes, all the uptight screensaver haters, and the foreigners with their deplorable English. I’m coming back here.

Craigslist post - "Futon Mate" needed to save money

rayrivera_blog — Fri, 30 Jun 2006 09:43:00 +0000

Craigslist post – “futon mate to save money!”

Middle aged comedian come down on hard times, looking for “futon mate” to save money.

Did you know that NYC is the most expensive city in America, and the tenth most expensive place in the world? I think you’re smart, so let’s share living quarters and rake in the cash! I am seeking people not afraid of intimacy, as it is a studio. All living spaces will be shared.

Think of all the things you can afford. A new IPOD? Not a problem. You know what I see in your future? Manolo Blahnik’s. Just sleep on this

and you will be one step closer to your “Sex in the City” reality. Come on in, I’ve already broken it in for you.

Must be able to grab your butt at all times. Also, I don’t sleepwalk; but I do sleepfuck. Ask my ex-girlfriends. Also, I like to masturbate in the mornings to porn that denigrates women.

Oh by the way, the futon frame is broken, so we’ll have to pull the mattress to the floor every night. It’s like we are out camping! Yay!

So come on down ladies! Time to put your nose to the grindstone and think about your financial future!

Me against the Universe, part 3

rayrivera_blog — Thu, 08 Jun 2006 08:03:00 +0000

Damn you, foul universe! You have yet again thwarted my plans for global domination! I curse you, and with my last breath, I spit at thee!

Or something like that. She's gone. She is no longer in my life. My lovely bank teller, the one I wooed with my comedic timing and simple eloquence, no longer works there. Not even a chance to be rejected by her. I wouldve accepted a simple, "I'm seeing somebody right now", but no, she disappeared!

I wonder if she read earlier postings. Yes, she left because of me! Thats it! It has happened before; I've left many a stripper in my wake, trembling and unemployed. I totally know my "Stalkee of the Month" posts will be successful when one of the ladies I profile serves me with a restraining order! Thats the goal.

I'm not that delusional with the bank princess, I know the truth. I didn't even register. Shes moved on without me. No matter, there are other girls out there who wear glasses with thick rectangular frames who work in banks, right? (Hey its my fantasy)

Also, I lost my phone. My ugly, disgusting, hatred inducing MDA phone from T Mobile, the phone I hated so much after my Sidekick succumbed to years of loyal service. My MDA was the red headed step child, and I was an awful parent. It found the opportunity to run away one rainy night, after flooding in the city and a 2 hour train ride from Manhattan to Astoria. I had it on my belt. Tight fit. No way could it get loose. That's when it made its move. I got into a cab, exhausted, hating life even more than my phone. It slipped off; knowing I was so tired I would'nt notice it coming undone from my belt loop. Perfect timing; I must say, well done. It slinked to the floor of the cab, and blended in with the floor mats. Dont blame me MDA, blame your birth parents.

Well, the Sidekick 3 is supposedly coming out next week, and I will cradle it in my arms and love it, and care for it, and purchase insurance for it, and mock people with the Sidekick 2. Also, I think I have a date with my Myspace stalker next week, so come on Universe, Im putting out good vibes, give me what you got! The pendulum is swinging back the other way, help a Latino out!

Solipsistic Banality or Bullshit Blog Post part 3

rayrivera_blog — Sat, 27 May 2006 20:45:00 +0000

Had two spots the other night and one went really well, one not so well. I just hate that the second one was the one that didn’t go as well; I wouldn’t say I bombed, but if you were to grade it, the first set was an A, the second was a C-. If it was the other way around it wouldn’t be so annoying, but going home on a sub par set is always disappointing; there is no chance for redemption. Go home and stew, sucka!

Oh well, the second show was in a room I’ve never done before, and I kind of just did it. I expected something from them, that’s the problem. For the past two weeks, I’ve been on a tear on my spots, doing really really well, so on that second show I got complacent I guess. What pissed me off was how angry and despondent I was after; it took at least two hours to get it out of my system. I used to never be able to just "let it go", to just learn what I did wrong and then apply it next time. A little of that creeped back in, giving me the reality check I guess I needed.

this blog 60 percent sucks...

This blog 60 percent sucks...